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I am a writer desperate for joys in life.

The past

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Mirror of Erised

I am lost and broken. I am lazy and unenthusiastic about the things that once made me happy. I know a lot of it is because of the weight I have gained and the feeling of being stagnant in life. I was supposed to feel better going to school, feel like I had a purpose but so far its like no one even cares that I am trying.  I know I am not supposed to seek outside approval but for the life of me I want someone besides my mom to say they are proud of me. I hate when she tells me it because I know she doesn't mean it. She has such a condescending way of talking to me it just makes me want to kill myself. I have tried numerous times to end my life because of that woman. I know this is not something people like to share, much less read about but I feel like there's so many things that I have to say about my mom and no one will listen. 

I have always found myself wondering why I am here. I wonder if I died today would anyone even care? What impact have I made in my life besides being everyone's door mat? What is my life worth? Why do I exist? Why am I here if I am just wasting my life rather than achieving something... anything? 

I feel so fake... But I don't know why. I don't know who I am. I don't know who I am supposed to be. 

I feel like I am drowning. 

I feel like 3 years ago I should have died. 

I feel like I did die and everything from that point on is in my head as though its a very lucid dream. 

If I am dreaming, why am I struggling so much to accomplish things that I don't even want? I don't want to be in school... I wanted to say I was in school. I wanted to say I am accomplishing something rather than sitting on my ass doing nothing because that's what I do. I am such an introvert. I have no desire to be around people. My highest amount of socialization in the last two years was tagging along with adam to his car meets and hanging out with his friends wives so they can have their bromance. I don't like my life. The only things that I grasp to with my everything is my relationship with adam and heather, my dogs and cats. Everything else is so meaningless and so pointless. 

I don't care about the lives of others, not even in the slightest but I pretend that I do, because its polite. It's polite to offer wise words to someone struggling, polite to tell someone everything will be okay. It's polite to relate to someones problems but for the life of me I just don't care anymore. I care about adam and heather with my everything. I swear if it was up to me I would never let them leave my side. They don't like each other so that would be rather interesting to say the least. To be honest I have never tried to repair that relationship between them... it sounds masochistic but I like it that way. I like that they are associates and not friends. I like that they don't have conversations or know more than what I bitch about. It makes it easier to have two different lives. I wonder if that's it... I wonder if I am actually bipolar as my doctor suggested. I denied it and tried to seek out the other "person" but I swear its just me up there. But what if that's it. What if one personality is the "bubbly" exterior that has empathy for everyone and the other is the introvert that could give two fucks. 

I have been tempted to call my therapist and just cancel my appointments until I am ready to go back... if I ever need to. It's not because she's not helpful... its because I can't be honest with anyone face to face. It is seriously not possible. I hate being judged for one and for two I cannot stand to tarnish opinions of me. For the last few months I have tried to  let that go, I have tried to not think about all the things that make me care about what other people think.... but how can I think that way when like 90% of me could care less about anyone else. 

I can honestly say  I have never told anyone this... bits an pieces maybe... but never how I feel. Its because I can't. I can't tell people that I don't have a caring bone in my body any more. I don't care about the news, politics, religion.... just life outside of my little corner seems like a meaningless  quest line to a bad video game. That's it. I understand now... I am in the worlds worst MMORPG. That's totally it... I remember playing Fable 2 for the first time and thinking "why am I blacksmithing, woodworking and bartending in a video game?" And then I started to get good at it and then I thought to myself, "if only it was that easy in real life." But that's it though... I am doing all this meaningless shit to create a bigger picture, open doors I didn't have before. But when will the doors open? Do I have to fall through the wardrobe or platform 9 3/4? 

I honestly don't know what I would see if I looked into the Mirror of Erised. I am sure most people don't but it really bugs me that I don't know. To be honest though I think my biggest desire is to be remembered. I want to leave behind a legacy and be one of the greats like Edgar Allen Poe, Da Vinci, the random person who invented toilet paper (Joseph Gayetty). But what the fuck do I leave behind in a world that already has everything? A damn robot thats what.... honestly from the way my life is going I probably will bring on judgement day... sigh... story of my life.

I am such a fucking hypocrite.

My networking class tried to kill me today. I read from page 433-556 small text, did nine lab assignments two quizzes, two tests, a discussion and two replies and a study guide. By the time I made it to the discussion I could barely see, I literally wrote it with my eyes damn near closed and had my best friend proof read it before I submitted it. I fell asleep quick after I submitted the work only to have Adam wake up an hour later so I had no other option but to follow suit. So now, honestly I am just waiting on my phone to reach 100% and I am going to go lay down with some netflix because I am starting to feel that way again. I am having to over blink in order to keep my eyes open. The worst part is, I literally have to get up at a decent hour tomorrow because somehow I got talked into a family dinner. And I have a paper due on the first and a quiz and test that I have to read for plus discussions for both classes. Isn't that exciting?

Anyways, on a lighter note. My sister asked me to be the Godmother of her child. I am excited about that because that means (by family tradition) I will have a say in the child's up bringing and possibly have a job educating and looking after the child. She is like 12 weeks now or something like that, but It would be so nice to be able to do homework and still pull in income. To be honest though, it is not really all that ideal for me to watch her child but I know if I don't that kid will grow up with a slower mindset and I know I can have the child educated with straight a standard. Weird considering I've had to bite the bullet with my straight A's this semester, but I know if I don't it will be left to the teachers and we all know how that goes. 

I started writing some of my book the other day, exciting considering that is really all I want to do in life. Writing is like crack to me. I divided it into chapters on my one drive account so that heather could proof read it easier though to be honest I doubt she even has the time or initiative with the plight she's in at the moment. I get out of school on the 11th so maybe I can devote my life to exercising and writing my story until classes start back up in the fall. 

I thought about changing my major... I think that's bad to say considering this is my first semester. The whole point of me taking the computer courses was to get a job while I worked on getting a robotics degree. But how can I subject myself to that knowing how much I hate dealing with computers. I am such a fucking hypocrite. I give people advice all the time, try to persuade them to do better with their life and I am just so damn lost. 

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Mountain of spring cleaning

I wasn't going to post today because of the amount of homework I thought I had. To be fair though I probably should start on my networking its due in two days and one of the assignments is a midterm. I probably will since I finished that computer work in like 2 hours even though I thought it was going to take all night.  My poor G.P.A. took another hit from religion class, got a seventy on midterm. hope I can at least manage a b or I might cry.

I keep finding myself thinking about things I did in the past. I used to hang out in chat rooms when I was in high school, of course lying about my age. But the things that I said and did keep haunting me, its not that I did anything wrong but I keep picturing myself as that annoying cousin that no one wants around but tolerate for the sake of sanity. My high school days creep up on me a lot lately too. I don't know if its from years of trying to block it out or not but I definitely hate how I feel stalked by my own past. 

So I did some spring cleaning in the closet earlier this week and that led to four big loads of laundry, of which I put off until the last minute so now I regret it. Since I have no motivation to get on this networking tonight I will most likely finish cleaning the closet or at least do a big chunk of it. It's not really all that dirty it just winter clothes has to be switched out, I have to find a home for odds and ends, throw away other things... you know... that shit no one else does.

I made me a second coffee, I told myself its because I shared with Adam this morning but that's not it... I have literally no motivation to do anything lately and I have never felt it this bad. I might try taking my medicine tonight, but I think I am just going to take a few months off from therapy. I think I have found what I've been looking for, now to deal with the situation without medicine would be good.

Got my friend heather into blogging. (fidelius08.blogspot.com) 

I figured she needed the outlet more than me. I write here everyday not for views, likes or comments. I write here because I can feel my heart and head get a little less full. And who knows, my scrawl might prove useful one day, never know.

Anyways, I gotta get on this work load... have fun I guess.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Three little kitties

4/23 This blog was really small so  I just saved the draft.
There are days when I love to be by myself and then there are days when I cannot stand being alone. Today I just wanted Adam to be around me. I always manage to get more accomplished when he's not here, I always clean things that get left undone otherwise, I always do my homework easier and I have more drive to complete tasks easier but since he wasn't here today all I wanted was for him to be here. I don't know if that's a human quality or not but I know its something I hate about myself. I feel like he defines me sometimes because I wait for him to return like a sad little puppy... sigh.

So Cinnamon my cat (11 months) just had three kittens. They are so cute, all have her same fur patterns. Spent the last few hours helping her out and praying she didn't die. I know thats horrid to think about but childbirth in kittens is not really that great of a turn out. She seems to be doing fine, just changed her sheets and stuff to make sure there's no internal bleeding and stuff. Kittens are already nursing. There is one runt, probably a female if not a runt. The picture is of demon, my husky trying to see what he was protecting because he sat by the tote the whole time and got up to "help" when she cried out.

I should have done homework today considering the but load thats going to be due tomorrow. Sigh, but she was having her babies so...  now I have 7 things due tomorrow and I have no plans to do anything else tonight... I should... but I probably won't. I smoked alot of cigarettes today, four in total I think... but thats way more than usual... I honestly was just having a rough day. I have been uncharacteristically cranky until she started meowing like she was dying of course, then the world kind of faded away. Funny how that works.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Lies of life

So, I got my fafsa back today... Was a lot less than I had assumed I would get but I dealt with it. It really bugs me that literally all of that money was spoken for before I even got it. I had been planning out a list of things to get and so had Adam... so now I have to go off list and try to find the cheapest alternative I possibly can... which I don't mind but its a lot of extra work I didn't really have to do if he would have just gave me a price range and an idea of what he wanted but there are important things on this list that I probably will not be able to do like get my glasses and get the dog shots, because we need stuff for the vehicle and I wanted bikes so we could start exercising... But it's like I wasn't even informed about it, that's what bugs me the most. I have been planning this list out for a month and now its just like I didn't even write one. I am not sure why I expected differently... seems like just my luck honestly. Anyways, this blog is gonna be cut short because I have two classes of homework to do, of which I should have done some time this week instead of procrastinating. So toddles. 

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Trying to keep afloat

To protect the people in this blog, I will be giving these people false names. The changed names will have a * after their names while the normal will remain the same.

I have never given myself reason to believe that I was lonely in my life because I have Adam and Heather. But after messaging four friends from high school, I am now uncertain. 

used to talk to all four of these girls every day, and while most of my life was a facade they were the few people that got glimpses of the real me. So why exactly did I stop talking to them? None of them made me mad, hurt my feelings or even talked bad about me. But I canceled out my whole life, and I don't know why. To be honest, I may have done it at the realization I was living a lie which was around the year 2010-2011. All these years, I have been under the assumption that I hate people in fayetteville... to be fair I think I really do. 

Snickers* was always a great friend to me, she had gotten pregnant by one of those guys that everyone experienced at one time or another, a real tool. I have a blog about him, deleted it of course but still wrote it. He was a selfish tool. After we had sex once he called another girl right in front of me and told her he missed her and that he couldn't stand that he had to stay home sick today... Men. There were rough patches in my life but nothing compared to how she probably had to live hers. She is a strong, beautiful woman with the world at her fingertips.

Twix* was like my sister, called her that only a few months after knowing her. She is a very kind-hearted granola child, pot an all. I used to drop my life just to spend the day with her. I could never remember what drew me to her but I'll be damned if I wasn't. She was so unique to me and it was like her soul recognized mine. I met hershey* through twix and fell in love with a ginger, she was soft and outspoken at the same time. She was vibrant and expressive and cared little about judgement. 

knew Mars* in middle school first, before reknowing her in highschool. I had always thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever met. Her looks were simple but divine but the most beautiful thing was her soul. She was kind, sweet, and probably misunderstood. She got pregnant really early on as well, but she still went to school, still got her life right. She has a great career and planning on a second child. 

I have always wanted a child so the fact that 3 out of 4 of my old friends have at least one child hurts my soul honestly. I have so much love to give, love that I cannot give to just my dogs, hubby dearest and a cat. Its completely different to love your child and part of me knows that I will long for a child for the rest of my life... and I doubt I will ever get my wish. 

As I sat there tonight reading these four chat windows I felt lonlier than I had felt in a while, because I had legitimately missed these beautiful influential women and I hadn't even realized it. My priorities change and falter from day to day, its fast paced in the world of school. #collegelife One minute you have to study and the next you have to eat and shower and its like you are never done despite trying constantly to get ahead. But I will try to talk to at least one old friend a week from now on even if its just to catch up...  I have thousands of them on my facebook so should be years before I run out. lol. Anyways, I am actually going to go to bed at 12am rather than the estimated 5am... so weird for me. 

The Floor is made of lava.

     I stayed up till around 6am this morning doing research for this religion class that I had to take. I don't really like the class because its not needed for one, and for two the teacher never interacts with the students  and waits until the last minute to post assignments. For instance she posted an assignment this morning with a due date for midnight and its 65 pages worth or reading in order to do the assignment. (I am currently number 19 in the bitching the teacher out forum on blackboard.)

     I know that next semester when I find out my classes I will go get my books weeks in advance just so I can get a few chapters into the lessons so I am not so far behind. I literally got my books the day classes started because of how bad the school screwed me over. The worst part is, When filling out the fafsa information only 5.5% of people graduate from this school at the suggested date and only 7% actually graduate. So why would you screw around the people actually trying to be straight A students? I doubt I will get straight A's this semester though, Networking is really hard because I didn't know a single thing about it except that it existed. And then on top of that the religion class and her random assignment posting, I will be lucky to get a B in both those classes. So far I have an A in networking, computer and English class and a B in religion. And the only reason I have a B is because I exited a test (browser window) that I couldn't retake so I  missed four questions.. so i received a 60% unfortunately... I was so glad that I at least had the 6 questions right... might have had like a d at this point. Also, during the first week of courses you are apparently required to email the professors about yourself... didn't know that... honestly why would you email them personal info like that? If it's not broke don't fix it is like literally the laws of life, so why email them if nothings wrong? Anyway despite getting great grades on everything else I took a dive on that and got a fifty because it was late. So like literally the first week, had a D. 

     I realized today that I might try just a bit too hard. If you read my prior blog you would know that I have spent my whole life trying to be the "good daughter" and trying to please everyone around me to the fullest extent of my powers. So this habit of trying to do everything and accomplish the most.. is literally all my moms fault.  

     Me and my father didn't have a relationship, we barely said 200 words to each other since I sprouted boobs. I don't feel like its anything that he did wrong but that made me hate my mom more because she was the one always in my face over things that weren't considered wrong. Who punishes their kids for a B in classes? Who tells their child they cannot hang out with their friends because they don't want them to get into trouble, despite the child proving they don't do bad things for years? So that's when I started doing after school activities, there was some nights I wouldn't get home until nearly 10 o'clock because of "Club activities." I got to the point that I stopped sleeping just so I could have time to myself, I would sleep once or twice a week and stay awake every night just to talk to people online or play a game, or something for socialization. My life is a big lie and I cannot change who I thought I was, but can I change who I am now? 

     I hate my mom...I know this, I accept this. But because of that lack of relationship I hate my father too, nearly as much as I hate my mom but in a completely different way. I know you are probably thinking, how can you say that you hate your parents? BECAUSE I DO, that's how.

     I spent my whole life never being myself that is why I hate them... they forced me to be someone else for 26 years. I could have been someone completely different instead I am just a sad, depressed, lost little girl living in a grown up world unsure what step to take next because the floor is made of lava. 

So..... I guess that I am going to go enjoy my evening coffee and finish writing this paper. Toodles....  

Monday, April 11, 2016

Pukewave Arena

     Yesterday seemed like it was going to start out at a decent rate but I became manipulated by my mother, visited family in jail, grocery shopped and then watched television. It sounds like yet another meaningless day, and probably rather normal for most people, but to me... it was depressing.

     I have a dark emotional state that holds me constantly. I can fake it with a laugh or a smile but I am hardly ever happy. It has some to do with how my life turned out, some to do with my family, and some to do with my daily routine. But my depression is like my shadow, my stalker and it will never leave me be. Even with medication it still hangs around just is farther behind me rather than standing there while I type watching every single word. 

     I finally got decent food, it was rather scarce last week, ramen was my best friend and that is hell for a vegetarian... I actually eat yokisaba but its the same thing with a bowl and veggie packet. I get my school money soon and that's already gone before it even gets here. I already calculated it around 1,500 in estimated costs. I will never get everything on my list though, I never do, I tend to go without before anyone else around me. My therapist told me last month that I have to stop helping everyone around me before I help myself... She isn't wrong and definitely not the first person to say that but it amazes me how she came up with that assumption before I really even told her of my real issues. I know my issues stem deeper than I will ever be able to tell her... Partially because that is things that I hold deep... things I can probably never let go of. 

     I have lied, manipulated and hurt people all my life and I never really tried to until the years I was on drugs. I always feel like I am a burden to everyone around me. I complain that people are untidy but cannot keep the room clean despite my best efforts. I always complain about how everyone always uses my boyfriend to help them with things but hardly ever return the favor... but I feel as though I do the same things... Its like I am such a fucking hypocrite. I am two faced too... like I can look someone dead in the face and say what they want to hear and then when I get into my room later I think about how much I hate that person. I know my flaws, I acknowledge them but can't change them... I want to so bad because I don't want to be like my mother... but as far as history goes I am doomed to be just like her. 

     My sister is pregnant. Not really all that much of a surprise honestly...it really hurts my feelings though. I have wanted a child since I was 18 that is nearly a decade now... and of course she gets a child first. She's always the first to do everything and ruin it for me. Always has been... I was so thwarted as a child and teenager because if I got into trouble I was "just like my sister" and they knew how to play me and manipulate me so that I never went and hung out with friends. I never did anything but what I was supposed to do. I lived a lie... do you know my parents didn't know the first thing about me until I was like 23 years old... and even then it was barely anything. They always asked me to do the right thing, be the right person but not once did they ever give me the initiative to do so but doted upon my sister. She will say other wise but I swear to you she got everything that she could ever need... it might not have been brand new or spoil worthy but she got it. I asked for something and I always got "No... we can't afford that" or "not until your grades improve." I really don't know how much more improvement an A needs....

     I tried so hard to be things that I wasn't my whole life and the other day I rode to Raleigh with my boyfriend. It is like an hour drive. On the way back I see a sign for fuquay-varina. Its a town in wake county North Carolina. That was one of the first things I learned about  because of road trips with my parents and grandfather. So when we passed it when I was younger they announced we were passing "Pukewave Arena" So this whole time... for like 21 years now...  I thought that was an arena that made people puke or something and that it had been a dream from childhood. But its shit like that, that makes me hate my family... all the lies they told me in my lifetime. I want to just pack mine and Adams stuff up and take our dogs and take the fuck off. I get so tired of the lies surfacing and I become blind sighted because I am thinking the things that they said were the truth because who doesn't believe their parents... but Ill be damned if they didn't make me a lying sack of shit.

     I don't know how to escape it honestly. I have curved my behaviorism, mannerisms,  and my attitude my whole life in order to not hurt other peoples feelings the way that mine have been hurt... but here I am... dying of depression slowly by the day... where is the person at that spares my feelings? The person that helps me out? The person that gives up everything for me?

Sunday, April 10, 2016

The spider under the glass.

    I think about my life, most often my thoughts race when trying to go to sleep. I sit there listening to my thoughts over and over. Its like my brain wants to acknowledge every detail of what I've done wrong. So each night, to fall asleep I watch adult cartoons (ie: family guy, American dad, brickleberry) and I truly believe that its the only thing to shut out the thoughts. I used to meditate, in fact I used to be ritualistically devoted to Wicca and living via Mother Gaia. But I have always felt like my life is a lie. 

     I was watching Constantine last night on Netflix and it got to the part where he traps a spider inside a glass and blows smoke as the spiders oxygen, and it made me think of how much I am that spider. I am trapped in the smoke because I live this lie every day. There are only two people in my life that know me beyond my masks and facades, My boyfriend and my best friend. I hate to say it this way but they still don't even know me fully because I don't even know myself. And that's why I am here, because I am the spider under the glass.

     I returned to school after four years of leave. I didn't return to school for me though... I did it because I couldn't find a job and to be honest, I didn't want a job that was in the food service industry. I am a writer and I weave my soul into my words but working in food I had no desire to write. I worked for some Hindu bosses, and we all know they work you hard. But it was like I never left. I would come home and sleep only to dream about still working and I got up every day for nine months and tried to work there saying things of motivation but it got so difficult to think positive because the mental abuse became too much. It was like every single thing I did was a mistake despite doing it the way I was taught by them.  So I quit... because who wants to feel like a piece of trash. 

     I decided to quit smoking recently, thank god for the vape life. I am 26 years of age and I have been smoking since I was 11, it was such a difficult task to quit... Still is honestly. In fact as we speak I am smoking a cigarette but now I am down to one or two a day, in fact since I didn't buy another pack a few weeks ago, I haven't smoked a whole pack yet. But some days are worse than others. I feel like I was pressured into quitting because it was an expensive habit and while vaping is expensive, a bottle of 15 dollar juice lasts nearly a whole month verses 5 dollars every two days, I think I'll take that instead. 

     I see a therapist once a month now. It started because I had post traumatic stress disorder from a car accident a little over 3 years ago. But now I see her to try and find the source of my depression. I know a vast majority of it is my family, my assumption not hers. but its something deeper than that now. I can't for the life of me target one specific thing that makes me depressed because its my every day life, my existence itself that makes me so depressed. I wanted to be something more than words carved into a concrete slab but here I am with a one sentence obituary because I have yet to find my soul purpose. I am so lost in life, so broken down and hurt. 

     I had such life within me until I got screwed over so many times. there are days when I feel alright about life but they are so rare. I honestly feel like school is the only accomplishment I have ever made and I am to the point now that I don't even want to continue with the IT degree I started because I hate computers. I keep telling myself I want to do robotics, which is true its so interesting to me but I want to have a job while I go to school for it because its such a horribly long degree, so I sucked it up and went for computers despite having such an aversion to the field of study. I know that computer technicians will always be needed but I cannot help but think about all the reasons why I hate tech support. My biggest thing is how much I hate customers, hate people in general. I honestly wish I could get paid to sit here everyday and write what I feel. I used to vlog and loved every minute of it but I can't do that any more because of the patience issue associated with it. I hope to get back into it honestly because of how much I loved it but I know it will never happen. 

     Well, my coffee is completed so that means farewell. ~Empathy Rose (Jillian)