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I am a writer desperate for joys in life.

The past

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Mirror of Erised

I am lost and broken. I am lazy and unenthusiastic about the things that once made me happy. I know a lot of it is because of the weight I have gained and the feeling of being stagnant in life. I was supposed to feel better going to school, feel like I had a purpose but so far its like no one even cares that I am trying.  I know I am not supposed to seek outside approval but for the life of me I want someone besides my mom to say they are proud of me. I hate when she tells me it because I know she doesn't mean it. She has such a condescending way of talking to me it just makes me want to kill myself. I have tried numerous times to end my life because of that woman. I know this is not something people like to share, much less read about but I feel like there's so many things that I have to say about my mom and no one will listen. 

I have always found myself wondering why I am here. I wonder if I died today would anyone even care? What impact have I made in my life besides being everyone's door mat? What is my life worth? Why do I exist? Why am I here if I am just wasting my life rather than achieving something... anything? 

I feel so fake... But I don't know why. I don't know who I am. I don't know who I am supposed to be. 

I feel like I am drowning. 

I feel like 3 years ago I should have died. 

I feel like I did die and everything from that point on is in my head as though its a very lucid dream. 

If I am dreaming, why am I struggling so much to accomplish things that I don't even want? I don't want to be in school... I wanted to say I was in school. I wanted to say I am accomplishing something rather than sitting on my ass doing nothing because that's what I do. I am such an introvert. I have no desire to be around people. My highest amount of socialization in the last two years was tagging along with adam to his car meets and hanging out with his friends wives so they can have their bromance. I don't like my life. The only things that I grasp to with my everything is my relationship with adam and heather, my dogs and cats. Everything else is so meaningless and so pointless. 

I don't care about the lives of others, not even in the slightest but I pretend that I do, because its polite. It's polite to offer wise words to someone struggling, polite to tell someone everything will be okay. It's polite to relate to someones problems but for the life of me I just don't care anymore. I care about adam and heather with my everything. I swear if it was up to me I would never let them leave my side. They don't like each other so that would be rather interesting to say the least. To be honest I have never tried to repair that relationship between them... it sounds masochistic but I like it that way. I like that they are associates and not friends. I like that they don't have conversations or know more than what I bitch about. It makes it easier to have two different lives. I wonder if that's it... I wonder if I am actually bipolar as my doctor suggested. I denied it and tried to seek out the other "person" but I swear its just me up there. But what if that's it. What if one personality is the "bubbly" exterior that has empathy for everyone and the other is the introvert that could give two fucks. 

I have been tempted to call my therapist and just cancel my appointments until I am ready to go back... if I ever need to. It's not because she's not helpful... its because I can't be honest with anyone face to face. It is seriously not possible. I hate being judged for one and for two I cannot stand to tarnish opinions of me. For the last few months I have tried to  let that go, I have tried to not think about all the things that make me care about what other people think.... but how can I think that way when like 90% of me could care less about anyone else. 

I can honestly say  I have never told anyone this... bits an pieces maybe... but never how I feel. Its because I can't. I can't tell people that I don't have a caring bone in my body any more. I don't care about the news, politics, religion.... just life outside of my little corner seems like a meaningless  quest line to a bad video game. That's it. I understand now... I am in the worlds worst MMORPG. That's totally it... I remember playing Fable 2 for the first time and thinking "why am I blacksmithing, woodworking and bartending in a video game?" And then I started to get good at it and then I thought to myself, "if only it was that easy in real life." But that's it though... I am doing all this meaningless shit to create a bigger picture, open doors I didn't have before. But when will the doors open? Do I have to fall through the wardrobe or platform 9 3/4? 

I honestly don't know what I would see if I looked into the Mirror of Erised. I am sure most people don't but it really bugs me that I don't know. To be honest though I think my biggest desire is to be remembered. I want to leave behind a legacy and be one of the greats like Edgar Allen Poe, Da Vinci, the random person who invented toilet paper (Joseph Gayetty). But what the fuck do I leave behind in a world that already has everything? A damn robot thats what.... honestly from the way my life is going I probably will bring on judgement day... sigh... story of my life.

1 comment:

  1. Sis....print this out and make an appointment with your therapist. I love you and I am worried.