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I am a writer desperate for joys in life.

The past

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

The Floor is made of lava.

     I stayed up till around 6am this morning doing research for this religion class that I had to take. I don't really like the class because its not needed for one, and for two the teacher never interacts with the students  and waits until the last minute to post assignments. For instance she posted an assignment this morning with a due date for midnight and its 65 pages worth or reading in order to do the assignment. (I am currently number 19 in the bitching the teacher out forum on blackboard.)

     I know that next semester when I find out my classes I will go get my books weeks in advance just so I can get a few chapters into the lessons so I am not so far behind. I literally got my books the day classes started because of how bad the school screwed me over. The worst part is, When filling out the fafsa information only 5.5% of people graduate from this school at the suggested date and only 7% actually graduate. So why would you screw around the people actually trying to be straight A students? I doubt I will get straight A's this semester though, Networking is really hard because I didn't know a single thing about it except that it existed. And then on top of that the religion class and her random assignment posting, I will be lucky to get a B in both those classes. So far I have an A in networking, computer and English class and a B in religion. And the only reason I have a B is because I exited a test (browser window) that I couldn't retake so I  missed four questions.. so i received a 60% unfortunately... I was so glad that I at least had the 6 questions right... might have had like a d at this point. Also, during the first week of courses you are apparently required to email the professors about yourself... didn't know that... honestly why would you email them personal info like that? If it's not broke don't fix it is like literally the laws of life, so why email them if nothings wrong? Anyway despite getting great grades on everything else I took a dive on that and got a fifty because it was late. So like literally the first week, had a D. 

     I realized today that I might try just a bit too hard. If you read my prior blog you would know that I have spent my whole life trying to be the "good daughter" and trying to please everyone around me to the fullest extent of my powers. So this habit of trying to do everything and accomplish the most.. is literally all my moms fault.  

     Me and my father didn't have a relationship, we barely said 200 words to each other since I sprouted boobs. I don't feel like its anything that he did wrong but that made me hate my mom more because she was the one always in my face over things that weren't considered wrong. Who punishes their kids for a B in classes? Who tells their child they cannot hang out with their friends because they don't want them to get into trouble, despite the child proving they don't do bad things for years? So that's when I started doing after school activities, there was some nights I wouldn't get home until nearly 10 o'clock because of "Club activities." I got to the point that I stopped sleeping just so I could have time to myself, I would sleep once or twice a week and stay awake every night just to talk to people online or play a game, or something for socialization. My life is a big lie and I cannot change who I thought I was, but can I change who I am now? 

     I hate my mom...I know this, I accept this. But because of that lack of relationship I hate my father too, nearly as much as I hate my mom but in a completely different way. I know you are probably thinking, how can you say that you hate your parents? BECAUSE I DO, that's how.

     I spent my whole life never being myself that is why I hate them... they forced me to be someone else for 26 years. I could have been someone completely different instead I am just a sad, depressed, lost little girl living in a grown up world unsure what step to take next because the floor is made of lava. 

So..... I guess that I am going to go enjoy my evening coffee and finish writing this paper. Toodles....  

1 comment:

  1. There's so much I could say but it would end up being as long as this blog post. If I didn't know any better, I would swear your mom and my mom are the same person. I dislike talking about anything to do with her because I've buried the feelings, probably permanently, because she doesn't deserve to control how I feel. No one deserves to control how I feel except me. And yes you can be yourself now, you're an adult, you don't live in her house now. You're doing fine in school, B's are still good, stop being so hard on yourself! LOVE YOU!