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I am a writer desperate for joys in life.

The past

Sunday, April 10, 2016

The spider under the glass.


    I think about my life, most often my thoughts race when trying to go to sleep. I sit there listening to my thoughts over and over. Its like my brain wants to acknowledge every detail of what I've done wrong. So each night, to fall asleep I watch adult cartoons (ie: family guy, American dad, brickleberry) and I truly believe that its the only thing to shut out the thoughts. I used to meditate, in fact I used to be ritualistically devoted to Wicca and living via Mother Gaia. But I have always felt like my life is a lie. 

     I was watching Constantine last night on Netflix and it got to the part where he traps a spider inside a glass and blows smoke as the spiders oxygen, and it made me think of how much I am that spider. I am trapped in the smoke because I live this lie every day. There are only two people in my life that know me beyond my masks and facades, My boyfriend and my best friend. I hate to say it this way but they still don't even know me fully because I don't even know myself. And that's why I am here, because I am the spider under the glass.

     I returned to school after four years of leave. I didn't return to school for me though... I did it because I couldn't find a job and to be honest, I didn't want a job that was in the food service industry. I am a writer and I weave my soul into my words but working in food I had no desire to write. I worked for some Hindu bosses, and we all know they work you hard. But it was like I never left. I would come home and sleep only to dream about still working and I got up every day for nine months and tried to work there saying things of motivation but it got so difficult to think positive because the mental abuse became too much. It was like every single thing I did was a mistake despite doing it the way I was taught by them.  So I quit... because who wants to feel like a piece of trash. 

     I decided to quit smoking recently, thank god for the vape life. I am 26 years of age and I have been smoking since I was 11, it was such a difficult task to quit... Still is honestly. In fact as we speak I am smoking a cigarette but now I am down to one or two a day, in fact since I didn't buy another pack a few weeks ago, I haven't smoked a whole pack yet. But some days are worse than others. I feel like I was pressured into quitting because it was an expensive habit and while vaping is expensive, a bottle of 15 dollar juice lasts nearly a whole month verses 5 dollars every two days, I think I'll take that instead. 

     I see a therapist once a month now. It started because I had post traumatic stress disorder from a car accident a little over 3 years ago. But now I see her to try and find the source of my depression. I know a vast majority of it is my family, my assumption not hers. but its something deeper than that now. I can't for the life of me target one specific thing that makes me depressed because its my every day life, my existence itself that makes me so depressed. I wanted to be something more than words carved into a concrete slab but here I am with a one sentence obituary because I have yet to find my soul purpose. I am so lost in life, so broken down and hurt. 

     I had such life within me until I got screwed over so many times. there are days when I feel alright about life but they are so rare. I honestly feel like school is the only accomplishment I have ever made and I am to the point now that I don't even want to continue with the IT degree I started because I hate computers. I keep telling myself I want to do robotics, which is true its so interesting to me but I want to have a job while I go to school for it because its such a horribly long degree, so I sucked it up and went for computers despite having such an aversion to the field of study. I know that computer technicians will always be needed but I cannot help but think about all the reasons why I hate tech support. My biggest thing is how much I hate customers, hate people in general. I honestly wish I could get paid to sit here everyday and write what I feel. I used to vlog and loved every minute of it but I can't do that any more because of the patience issue associated with it. I hope to get back into it honestly because of how much I loved it but I know it will never happen. 

     Well, my coffee is completed so that means farewell. ~Empathy Rose (Jillian)  

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