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I am a writer desperate for joys in life.

The past

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Trying to keep afloat

To protect the people in this blog, I will be giving these people false names. The changed names will have a * after their names while the normal will remain the same.

I have never given myself reason to believe that I was lonely in my life because I have Adam and Heather. But after messaging four friends from high school, I am now uncertain. 

used to talk to all four of these girls every day, and while most of my life was a facade they were the few people that got glimpses of the real me. So why exactly did I stop talking to them? None of them made me mad, hurt my feelings or even talked bad about me. But I canceled out my whole life, and I don't know why. To be honest, I may have done it at the realization I was living a lie which was around the year 2010-2011. All these years, I have been under the assumption that I hate people in fayetteville... to be fair I think I really do. 

Snickers* was always a great friend to me, she had gotten pregnant by one of those guys that everyone experienced at one time or another, a real tool. I have a blog about him, deleted it of course but still wrote it. He was a selfish tool. After we had sex once he called another girl right in front of me and told her he missed her and that he couldn't stand that he had to stay home sick today... Men. There were rough patches in my life but nothing compared to how she probably had to live hers. She is a strong, beautiful woman with the world at her fingertips.

Twix* was like my sister, called her that only a few months after knowing her. She is a very kind-hearted granola child, pot an all. I used to drop my life just to spend the day with her. I could never remember what drew me to her but I'll be damned if I wasn't. She was so unique to me and it was like her soul recognized mine. I met hershey* through twix and fell in love with a ginger, she was soft and outspoken at the same time. She was vibrant and expressive and cared little about judgement. 

knew Mars* in middle school first, before reknowing her in highschool. I had always thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever met. Her looks were simple but divine but the most beautiful thing was her soul. She was kind, sweet, and probably misunderstood. She got pregnant really early on as well, but she still went to school, still got her life right. She has a great career and planning on a second child. 

I have always wanted a child so the fact that 3 out of 4 of my old friends have at least one child hurts my soul honestly. I have so much love to give, love that I cannot give to just my dogs, hubby dearest and a cat. Its completely different to love your child and part of me knows that I will long for a child for the rest of my life... and I doubt I will ever get my wish. 

As I sat there tonight reading these four chat windows I felt lonlier than I had felt in a while, because I had legitimately missed these beautiful influential women and I hadn't even realized it. My priorities change and falter from day to day, its fast paced in the world of school. #collegelife One minute you have to study and the next you have to eat and shower and its like you are never done despite trying constantly to get ahead. But I will try to talk to at least one old friend a week from now on even if its just to catch up...  I have thousands of them on my facebook so should be years before I run out. lol. Anyways, I am actually going to go to bed at 12am rather than the estimated 5am... so weird for me. 

1 comment:

  1. Losing touch with old friends always sucks. I lost so many, and now out of the five friends I used to have in high school, I now only still speak to one of them. They were people I thought I would stay friends with forever, but their lives changed and mine stayed the same. They got pregnant, got married, moved away, ect. and we lost touch. I used to hate it, but now I look back and I realize it was probably best, since their lifestyles and my own would probably make us incompatible as friends now, but I still miss them from time to time.