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I am a writer desperate for joys in life.

The past

Monday, April 11, 2016

Pukewave Arena

     Yesterday seemed like it was going to start out at a decent rate but I became manipulated by my mother, visited family in jail, grocery shopped and then watched television. It sounds like yet another meaningless day, and probably rather normal for most people, but to me... it was depressing.

     I have a dark emotional state that holds me constantly. I can fake it with a laugh or a smile but I am hardly ever happy. It has some to do with how my life turned out, some to do with my family, and some to do with my daily routine. But my depression is like my shadow, my stalker and it will never leave me be. Even with medication it still hangs around just is farther behind me rather than standing there while I type watching every single word. 

     I finally got decent food, it was rather scarce last week, ramen was my best friend and that is hell for a vegetarian... I actually eat yokisaba but its the same thing with a bowl and veggie packet. I get my school money soon and that's already gone before it even gets here. I already calculated it around 1,500 in estimated costs. I will never get everything on my list though, I never do, I tend to go without before anyone else around me. My therapist told me last month that I have to stop helping everyone around me before I help myself... She isn't wrong and definitely not the first person to say that but it amazes me how she came up with that assumption before I really even told her of my real issues. I know my issues stem deeper than I will ever be able to tell her... Partially because that is things that I hold deep... things I can probably never let go of. 

     I have lied, manipulated and hurt people all my life and I never really tried to until the years I was on drugs. I always feel like I am a burden to everyone around me. I complain that people are untidy but cannot keep the room clean despite my best efforts. I always complain about how everyone always uses my boyfriend to help them with things but hardly ever return the favor... but I feel as though I do the same things... Its like I am such a fucking hypocrite. I am two faced too... like I can look someone dead in the face and say what they want to hear and then when I get into my room later I think about how much I hate that person. I know my flaws, I acknowledge them but can't change them... I want to so bad because I don't want to be like my mother... but as far as history goes I am doomed to be just like her. 

     My sister is pregnant. Not really all that much of a surprise honestly...it really hurts my feelings though. I have wanted a child since I was 18 that is nearly a decade now... and of course she gets a child first. She's always the first to do everything and ruin it for me. Always has been... I was so thwarted as a child and teenager because if I got into trouble I was "just like my sister" and they knew how to play me and manipulate me so that I never went and hung out with friends. I never did anything but what I was supposed to do. I lived a lie... do you know my parents didn't know the first thing about me until I was like 23 years old... and even then it was barely anything. They always asked me to do the right thing, be the right person but not once did they ever give me the initiative to do so but doted upon my sister. She will say other wise but I swear to you she got everything that she could ever need... it might not have been brand new or spoil worthy but she got it. I asked for something and I always got "No... we can't afford that" or "not until your grades improve." I really don't know how much more improvement an A needs....

     I tried so hard to be things that I wasn't my whole life and the other day I rode to Raleigh with my boyfriend. It is like an hour drive. On the way back I see a sign for fuquay-varina. Its a town in wake county North Carolina. That was one of the first things I learned about  because of road trips with my parents and grandfather. So when we passed it when I was younger they announced we were passing "Pukewave Arena" So this whole time... for like 21 years now...  I thought that was an arena that made people puke or something and that it had been a dream from childhood. But its shit like that, that makes me hate my family... all the lies they told me in my lifetime. I want to just pack mine and Adams stuff up and take our dogs and take the fuck off. I get so tired of the lies surfacing and I become blind sighted because I am thinking the things that they said were the truth because who doesn't believe their parents... but Ill be damned if they didn't make me a lying sack of shit.

     I don't know how to escape it honestly. I have curved my behaviorism, mannerisms,  and my attitude my whole life in order to not hurt other peoples feelings the way that mine have been hurt... but here I am... dying of depression slowly by the day... where is the person at that spares my feelings? The person that helps me out? The person that gives up everything for me?

1 comment:

  1. Next time you go to your therapist, be honest and tell her everything no matter how much it hurts. I think you could really benefit from it. Not saying I'm perfect cause I have a lot of deep seeded issues, but I just want you to be truly happy once you do finally leave NC. I know you wont be happy every single day, but no one should have to live with their demons 24/7. Recognize that NOTHING that anyone else did is your fault, and that its OKAY to be yourself. It took me so long to tell everyone to fuck off and stop making me try to be the good little Christian girl, because that's not who I am, and it never will be. Pleasing everyone else only makes your quality of life mediocre. I just don't want you to look back when you are old and regret not doing what makes YOU happy. I'ts not too late to fix things.