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I am a writer desperate for joys in life.

The past

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Coffee routine

I have an opportunity in front of me today, I can sit here for several hours and watch television or I can try and study, hoping to grasp the concepts of computer security. Here I am in this state of panic on what I want to do with my life. I have my coffee sitting here in front of me staring into my soul. I keep my coffee routine so that I can allow myself to think and concentrate and try to relax before I start my day. But, how can I start my day without knowing how I want to spend it.
Update: I did sit there and watch television and managed to write a paper but at the same time I had no concentration to study. I finished the paper the day after but accomplished no studying what-so-ever.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016


I have spent most of my life wondering what I want to do. I am so confused and I feel like all I've done is procrastinate my whole life. I honestly feel as though I am a failure. I feel as though I could have done way more by now. I went to college for Computer Technology, because I thought that it would be an easy job but then after taking a semester of a security class I feel like I do not know anything. I got a perfect score in that class but as soon as I started trying to study for my certification it was like I didn't know anything at all. I feel like I am ignorant for trying to pursue this. It is not that I need to hear that I can do it or anything, I feel like I will fail. I have lost faith in myself but what makes it worse is not knowing if it was there in the first place.
I did manage to catch up on my shows this semester because I trained myself to watch television while doing my homework. I cannot watch television while studying but while doing more basic assignments, it has become helpful. I either use television or music but it helps me keep my focus. I think that could be why I feel as though I do not remember anything, I could be remembering all the sidelined television shows instead of trying to remember them together or separating them.
I think that what bugs me the most about my life is not making enough money, which computers could give me that. But then all my time is devoted to a job that I hate yet again. Sigh. #life.