About Me

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I am a writer desperate for joys in life.

The past

Thursday, January 5, 2017

I had another ultimatum today, I chose the latter for once. Everyone seems to expect more from me than I can offer. I have started to feel as though I am killing myself trying to get everything done. So today instead of doing one thing besides shower and make coffee I played Plants VS Zombies until my guy came home. I hadn’t even realized I had wasted six hours but then again, I guess that is what happens when you need a break.

I thought about talking about my family again but then it dawned on me that maybe one day they will read this. I don’t know why I care… it will probably be the only way that they will ever understand how I truly feel. Not that it will change anything.

They are always late for everything especially if it is important to me. I used to be involved in as many extra activities as I could just so that I didn’t have to be at home. To that extent, I think that I burnt myself out on social activities. I do not like being around people who are only out for themselves, that is one of the main things that I hate, which makes me appear anti-social. I guess that’s yet another thing I can blame on my family.

I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders as usual but at least there is a positive aspect, I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, a guy and animals who love me. Oh, and coffee.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

What am I doing out of bed?

I spent my day cleaning, go figure. I normally do that on my days off... I need to fix that habit and clean during my work days but it never works out that way. I should make that a priority instead of just doing the bare minimum as I have been. I told myself I would stop spending my days off cleaning up the kitchen after all my roommates... but here we are. I didn't sweep or put away the dishes I washed but I will probably do that when I cook dinner. Sigh.

I found out this morning me and my guy have an unexpected bill to pay so everything I've earned last week is gone, and anything we sell on craigslist is gone too... Story of my life. I wanted to get flea medicine this morning and got chewed out... so there's that. I hate how I never get to use any of my checks for me. I need winter clothes, to go to the dentist, eye doctor, my animals need to go to the vet and amongst everything we have to pay for to live, we just never have the money. I guess I could cut out the simpler things that I don't necessarily need but working for 8-12 hours a day for barely anything makes me not want to come home and cook and clean.... I mean most of the time I do it but sometimes its nice to go spend 10-20$ on a meal rather than waiting an hour for food.

I am sitting here watching my guy play forza horizon 2 and it got me thinking about how we are never going to get a vehicle that is good on gas to drive farther distances... story of my life though...

Guess it's just one of those days where I try really hard not to complain but all the things that are needed have been taking a backseat for far too long. It would be nice to be able to treat myself for a change. I am trying to type this rather than verbalize it because of my new years resolution. But for me to let all this stuff go, I have to express it first.

Anyways, My coffee is gone, best of luck to you. ~EmpathyRose

Monday, January 2, 2017

New year, New me


There was a time when I had a pure heart. I could see the world as though it were simple. My life did not have drama or lies. In fact, I just recently learned how to lie. I was so pure and then my near death experience broke me. I feel like I lost that person that I used to be but at the same time I like the new me. I want to make some tweaks on who I am but not completely erase these last four years of my life. A few things have remained constant though, I can feel what others feel. I am not as empathetic as I once was of course, but I am still aware of what people feel.

I plan to start living differently. In August, I started letting stuff go more often, specifically all the usual stuff like cleaning up after everyone else. I felt great when I had done this, of course my emotions got the best of me and I went right back to this way of mine. But that's the plan. I want to start everyday fresh, leaving the baggage from the day before as though it never happened. I want to stop complaining and start living for the day... It takes a while to get used to trying something new. Especially where your personality is concerned. Good luck to me, I guess. Cheers.



Sunday, January 1, 2017

Love is...

I opened my eyes to see him staring back at me. I knew it was time to wake up but I didn’t want to. I felt my lips form a slight smile. I blinked a few times feeling the light retract my pupils. Mmmm… I moaned delicately and closed my eyes falling back into sleep. The world is different for me now. I used to have issues waking up, a temper that was easily triggered. I used to hate feeling the reality set in, the cold dark depression creeping up like a blanket covering my existence. But everytime I wake up and see he is there my whole world seems more colorful. He is my other half, near my opposite enough that it doesn’t get boring but my whole enough that we share commonalities. He makes me smile when I nerd rage, calms me when I’m upset. I had a moment where I thought I was loosing him and I cried… if you know me at all you know it takes quite a bit to reduce me to tears… but a life without him snapped open flood gates. So what is love?

Life is a battlefield. It is a battlefield meant to prove who you are. We fight all these obstacles starting from the moment we breathe our first breath polluted air. It is so difficult for us to take our first steps, learn our first words, attend school, go through puberty and to learn mathematics. But here we are. 
We have such an adaptive nature that we learn what is assumed to be intelligence. We excell at somethings and choose our career paths… some making it, others falling shy and some never trying. 
We switch hobbies, schools, friends, states, likes and dislikes. As soon as we realease pharamones, normally tied to puberty, we start to search for love. So again, what is love?
Love is when you feel as though no mask is needed, you can let your true colors show without fear or ridicule or shame.
Love is hope.
Love is that moment when you can see the rest of your life melded with theirs.
Love is kind and rough.
Love is caring and brash.
Love is when you wish they were there when you are alone.
Love is knowing they will come back.
Love isn’t about a ring or a piece of paper, love isn’t about reading each others texts, emails, face book, or messages.
Love is about trust.
Love is fireworks.
Love is that first breath of air after you open the shower curtain.
Love is that first sip of coffee on a rainy morning.
Life is a journey meant to build our character. Some live life spoon fed with things tossed their way while others live moment by moment constantly coasting in a depth of sorrow, loss and hardships. There is no fairness in life because if there was everyone would be spoon fed with their rich life problems. But what problems would be left? 
All of them. If everyone were rich who would clean their houses, mow their lawns, repair their cars, wash their clothes? But of course you would think with all this currency floating around we could invent servants… like robots that we could train… even training another life form. But at this point would they eventually rise up in rebellion wondering why they have no rights and riches?

The lonely life of the fae.

There was this contest where I could ghost write for this highly sought after international writer. I was excited and all I had to do was run four miles to the finish line against three other people and the first two to arrive at the finish line would win. 
I won so I shadowed him
Told him I was a writer he offered me 17 dollars an hour a mac laptop and a microphone for the computer. 
Did not turn that down and started immediately. 
So I start ghost writing for him by doing research in this small town and I call my guy and meet up with him, the other contest winner and some other girl.
I don't know who they were but the girl that wasn’t the contest winner was a fae. 
In the dream the fae disguised themselves as matrons, maids, nurses and nuns in order to spread their light magic with the people. 
So we drop the fae off at her house after we had a trip to New York. Only when we get there the dark fae were on her doorstep, we didn’t notice them at first but once we did it was hard to see how we couldn’t before. 
So I run to her and drag her back to the car and we start driving back to my guy who stayed in Washington with my new boss. 
Something makes us turn back. 
So we get back to the town to see it destroyed in approximately a ten minute time period. 
So we barricade ourselves in the house owned by the other contest winner. 
She had a party so people were drunk and passed out in random rooms.
So I go to a back room to look out the window. 
Its a room with a mom and two kids, her roommate I think.
I’m looking out the window and I spot the dark fae hovering over this destroyed rubble.
It takes me a second to realize it’s a bed and even longer to see the kid stirring beneath the sheets so I start freaking out and run to the front door.
As I get closer I come across the other girl and the light fairy who are also determined to rescue this one little girl.
I tell them to protect the house and run outside to get this girl.
I manage to get to her and start running back.
I get surrounded by them and can’t shake em that’s when I woke up.
But the dream kept going
I managed to get back in the house and wake up the mom and hand her the kid.
Told her that no matter what happens this child is hers and they can never tell her different.
She is her flesh and blood and came from her womb.
That way the fae couldn’t take her and turn her into a dark fairy. 
Because in my dream only unwanted or parent-less children are subjective to the life of fae… the lonely life of a fae. 

A whole where my heart should be

      I helped a friend out by writing his paper today and I feel like I re-found my passion. I began to look up ways to get paid doing that type of work, legally. But of course, I found nothing to the effect of helping me so I just posted an ad on craigslist, hoping that I could attempt to start out small. There was a time when I refused to write papers for people because I loved freelance. I loved the way it felt to put pencil to paper, the way it felt to grind down the pencils led as ideas begin to flow through your fingers.  
      My head is filled with ideas that can only be put to use on paper to let others delve into a world of imagination. I can feel how the world exists based off how I arrange the same 26 letters in different orders.
      I feel like I am missing something. I feel like my whole life exists to do something and yet I cannot for the life of me understand what it is I am meant to be. I pretend like I am knowledgeable but in reality I just spend my time on google or use real world common sense. I feel like I am wasting my time and not being the best I could be.
     The paper I wrote had a section about procrastination and how it wastes time in which  you cant get back. So, now I am stuck in a world of loss over something I never really had.