About Me

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I am a writer desperate for joys in life.

The past

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Day 2

I woke up sore this morning, weird considering yesterday was just calculus day. Calculus day is always a really stressful day, hate that it had to happen right after such a big life change. It's really hard to try and be someone or something you arent. It's even harder to realize that those you thought loved you for y

ou, actually prefer it when you are fake. Normative culture is such a sham.

Monday, July 2, 2018

day 1

Today I managed to accomplish my goal as far as my homework goes. My guy isn't seeing the effects of what I am going to call our trial period. I had the laundry already completed so there wasn't a need to immediately complete a load and someone in the house cooked for him. So there's that. One of my really good friends advised me that I should just let the argument go, which I have, and had prior to the advice. But, he did make a good point, even though I will technically be devoting the same amount of time to my chores, now he will be doing that for himself. So in actuality, this could not have been a better thing, the laundry probably won't come into play until midmonth but the cooking might end this sooner rather than later. Hopefully, this will end the way I wanted it to begin, with help. I never intended this fight but once it was brought up, it would have been nice to have someone help me clean and stuff. But, as my friend flowers stated, this is a petty argument and petty begets petty. 

Starting over

I was faced with an argument last night about the fact that I am addicted to elder scrolls online. I personally do not feel as though I am addicted to eso, but I am a guild master so I do have several responsibilities that I have to do every day or every other day. I gave up smoking cigarettes, I have limited down my coffee addiction to the point where I don't need it directly upon waking and I am able to process the world better rather than being cranky that I was awakened. So I feel like if I want to spend a couple hours a night gaming, why is that such a big deal? On average it is 8pm until approximately 1 or 2. I do see that he hates that I require more sleep than he does, I average around 9-10 hours whereas he can function off of four. I am not a nap person because it requires too much time for me to lay down and start to sleep and normally by the time I am almost asleep he is stirring to wake up.

I feel like because of the dark place that I am in and faking it, eventually, I will find some middle ground. I am to the point now that every little thing people do bothers me. I know that I think differently, I am completely aware of that. But in my head, I didn't feel like it was a big deal until I would walk into a room and face the stares of the people who were just talking bad about you. So from this point on I am no longer going to be Daria, I am going to rise above the negativity and try to be someone I am not before I turn into a shrew.

This is my goal in order to make him happy. I am going to start getting up first every day regardless of how much sleep I got, how much I would need in order to do my coursework. I am going to start making my day have a smoother transition and just start responding positively even if I feel negative about a situation.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

I had another ultimatum today, I chose the latter for once. Everyone seems to expect more from me than I can offer. I have started to feel as though I am killing myself trying to get everything done. So today instead of doing one thing besides shower and make coffee I played Plants VS Zombies until my guy came home. I hadn’t even realized I had wasted six hours but then again, I guess that is what happens when you need a break.

I thought about talking about my family again but then it dawned on me that maybe one day they will read this. I don’t know why I care… it will probably be the only way that they will ever understand how I truly feel. Not that it will change anything.

They are always late for everything especially if it is important to me. I used to be involved in as many extra activities as I could just so that I didn’t have to be at home. To that extent, I think that I burnt myself out on social activities. I do not like being around people who are only out for themselves, that is one of the main things that I hate, which makes me appear anti-social. I guess that’s yet another thing I can blame on my family.

I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders as usual but at least there is a positive aspect, I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, a guy and animals who love me. Oh, and coffee.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

What am I doing out of bed?

I spent my day cleaning, go figure. I normally do that on my days off... I need to fix that habit and clean during my work days but it never works out that way. I should make that a priority instead of just doing the bare minimum as I have been. I told myself I would stop spending my days off cleaning up the kitchen after all my roommates... but here we are. I didn't sweep or put away the dishes I washed but I will probably do that when I cook dinner. Sigh.

I found out this morning me and my guy have an unexpected bill to pay so everything I've earned last week is gone, and anything we sell on craigslist is gone too... Story of my life. I wanted to get flea medicine this morning and got chewed out... so there's that. I hate how I never get to use any of my checks for me. I need winter clothes, to go to the dentist, eye doctor, my animals need to go to the vet and amongst everything we have to pay for to live, we just never have the money. I guess I could cut out the simpler things that I don't necessarily need but working for 8-12 hours a day for barely anything makes me not want to come home and cook and clean.... I mean most of the time I do it but sometimes its nice to go spend 10-20$ on a meal rather than waiting an hour for food.

I am sitting here watching my guy play forza horizon 2 and it got me thinking about how we are never going to get a vehicle that is good on gas to drive farther distances... story of my life though...

Guess it's just one of those days where I try really hard not to complain but all the things that are needed have been taking a backseat for far too long. It would be nice to be able to treat myself for a change. I am trying to type this rather than verbalize it because of my new years resolution. But for me to let all this stuff go, I have to express it first.

Anyways, My coffee is gone, best of luck to you. ~EmpathyRose

Monday, January 2, 2017

New year, New me


There was a time when I had a pure heart. I could see the world as though it were simple. My life did not have drama or lies. In fact, I just recently learned how to lie. I was so pure and then my near death experience broke me. I feel like I lost that person that I used to be but at the same time I like the new me. I want to make some tweaks on who I am but not completely erase these last four years of my life. A few things have remained constant though, I can feel what others feel. I am not as empathetic as I once was of course, but I am still aware of what people feel.

I plan to start living differently. In August, I started letting stuff go more often, specifically all the usual stuff like cleaning up after everyone else. I felt great when I had done this, of course my emotions got the best of me and I went right back to this way of mine. But that's the plan. I want to start everyday fresh, leaving the baggage from the day before as though it never happened. I want to stop complaining and start living for the day... It takes a while to get used to trying something new. Especially where your personality is concerned. Good luck to me, I guess. Cheers.



Sunday, January 1, 2017

Love is...

I opened my eyes to see him staring back at me. I knew it was time to wake up but I didn’t want to. I felt my lips form a slight smile. I blinked a few times feeling the light retract my pupils. Mmmm… I moaned delicately and closed my eyes falling back into sleep. The world is different for me now. I used to have issues waking up, a temper that was easily triggered. I used to hate feeling the reality set in, the cold dark depression creeping up like a blanket covering my existence. But everytime I wake up and see he is there my whole world seems more colorful. He is my other half, near my opposite enough that it doesn’t get boring but my whole enough that we share commonalities. He makes me smile when I nerd rage, calms me when I’m upset. I had a moment where I thought I was loosing him and I cried… if you know me at all you know it takes quite a bit to reduce me to tears… but a life without him snapped open flood gates. So what is love?

Life is a battlefield. It is a battlefield meant to prove who you are. We fight all these obstacles starting from the moment we breathe our first breath polluted air. It is so difficult for us to take our first steps, learn our first words, attend school, go through puberty and to learn mathematics. But here we are. 
We have such an adaptive nature that we learn what is assumed to be intelligence. We excell at somethings and choose our career paths… some making it, others falling shy and some never trying. 
We switch hobbies, schools, friends, states, likes and dislikes. As soon as we realease pharamones, normally tied to puberty, we start to search for love. So again, what is love?
Love is when you feel as though no mask is needed, you can let your true colors show without fear or ridicule or shame.
Love is hope.
Love is that moment when you can see the rest of your life melded with theirs.
Love is kind and rough.
Love is caring and brash.
Love is when you wish they were there when you are alone.
Love is knowing they will come back.
Love isn’t about a ring or a piece of paper, love isn’t about reading each others texts, emails, face book, or messages.
Love is about trust.
Love is fireworks.
Love is that first breath of air after you open the shower curtain.
Love is that first sip of coffee on a rainy morning.